Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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