I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
