okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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