Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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