I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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