you didnt know i had herpes?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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