i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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