Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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