For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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