Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
