The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
