I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
