you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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