you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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