seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
