i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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