so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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