shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
