two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
