he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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