Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
