I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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