i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
