I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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