Your face is a jimmy john
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
PANTIES FOUND
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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