Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
