Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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