I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Found your dick twin last night
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
