lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
