I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
