listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
