does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
