Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
