im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
