Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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