girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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