p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
