My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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