I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize