I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
