We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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