You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
