the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
