he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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