you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
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I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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