you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
