he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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