mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
