mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
