she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
