I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
