just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
