She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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