Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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