he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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