Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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