I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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