shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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